███████████████████████████████████ IN 1694, AN EVENT IN THE AMERICAN NORTHEAST OCCURRED THAT COULD ONLY BE
███░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░███ DESCRIBED AS STRANGE AND MYSTIKAL (BUT NOT MYSTIKAL LIKE THE RAPPER [BUT YOU
███░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░███ SHOULD STILL SHAKE YOUR ASS AND WATCH YOURSELF]). ONE FOGGY TUESDAY NIGHT,
███░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░███ THE WOMEN KILLED IN THE SALEM WITCH TRIALS JUST YEARS PRIOR EMERGED FROM
███░░▒░░███████████████████░░▒░░███ THEIR GRAVES, SNUCK INTO AN APOTHECARY, AND GOT HIGH AS A MOTHERFUCKER. A
███░░░░░███████████████████░░░░░███ GLOWING SEAL OF POWER APPEARED ON THE FLOOR AND PROPHESIED SOME SHIT
███░░▒░░███████████████████░░▒░░███ ABOUT THE FUTURE OR SOMETHING. THEY WERE LIKE "COOL" AND IT IS IN THAT MOMENT
███░░░░░░░░█████████████░░░░░░░░███ ON THAT FOGGY NIGHT IN THAT FOGGY ROOM (HEH) THAT THE ÐWΣΣB KVLT WAS BORN.
██████░░▒░░█████████████░░▒░░██████ (YOU WOULD THINK THAT PEOPLE KILLED BY RELIGIOUS EXTREMISTS WOULDN'T WANT
██████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░██████ TO BE IN A KVLT THEMSELVES BUT IT'S LIKE, SUPPOSED TO BE THE OPPOSITE OR
██████░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░██████ SOMETHING. IT'S COMPLICATED.) THE UNDEAD NOT-ACTUALLY-WITCHES, IN AN IRONIC
██████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░██████ TWIST, GOT REALLY COOL WITCH POWERS AND FUCKED WITH THE TOWNSPEOPLE FOR A
███████████████████████████████████ WHILE BEFORE THEY GOT BORED AND INVENTED COMPUTERS. UNFORTUNATELY, THE
██████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░███ KVLT DIED OUT AND STEVE JOBS GOT ALL THE CREDIT FOR FONTS.
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███░░░░░░░░████████████████████████ FAST FORWARD A FEW HUNDRED YEARS. DEEP AT THE VERY BOTTOM OF THE LOWEST
██████░░▒░░████████████████████████ POINT OF THA DIRTY SOUTH, A MYSTERIOUS ENVELOPE WAS DELIVERED TO A HOUSE,
██████░░░░░░░░░░░██████████████████ CONTAINING A SMALL BUSINESS CARD WITH THE SAME GLOWING SEAL AS IN THE
█████████░░▒░░▒░░██████████████████ APOTHECARY. THE REVERSE SIDE WAS WRITTEN IN AN ARCANE LANGUAGE, BUT
██████░░░░░░░░░░░██████████████████ THANKFULLY IT HAD A QR CODE YOU COULD SCAN TO GET IT IN ENGLISH, FRENCH,
██████░░▒░░████████████████████████ SPANISH, GERMAN, MANDARIN, RUSSIAN, AND CANADIAN ENGLISH. IT WAS A CALL TO
███░░░░░░░░████████████████████████ ACTION TO REVIVE THE KVLT AND USE ITS INFLUENCE FOR THE BENEFIT OF HUMANKIND.
███░░▒░░███████████████████████████ FEELING THE POWER OF THE MAGGJJICCK CIRCLE WE HAVE FOUGHT OUR WAY OUT OF
███░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░███ THE LITERAL AND FIGURATIVE SWAMPS OF THE REALM SEMI-AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN
██████░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░███ AS THA HELLSCAPE, CARRYING OUT THE MISSION OF THE KVLT IN MYSTERIOUS AND
██████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░███ MYSTIK WAYS LIKE PLACING "JESUS HAD TWO DADS" SIGNS IN FRONT OF PUBLIC
███████████████████████████████████ NATIVITY SCENES.
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███░░▒░░███████░░▒░░███████░░▒░░███ SINCE THEN OUR EFFORT HAS GONE GLOBAL AND OUR PROJECT KNOWS NO BORDERS.
███░░░░░███████░░░░░███████░░░░░███ USING STATE OF THE ART OCCULT PROPAGANDA TECHNIQUES (LIKE THE INTERNET) WE
███░░▒░░███████░░▒░░███████░░▒░░███ HAVE BEGUN SPREADING OUR MESSAGE, THE MESSAGE HANDED DOWN TO US BY OUR
███░░░░░███████░░░░░███████░░░░░███ FOUNDING MOTHERS. THIS IS DOWN-HOME DIY GOOD GOOD SHIT KVLTERY, NOT THAT
███░░▒░░███████░░▒░░███████░░▒░░███ BORING PASSÉ ILLUMINATI SHIT RUN BY TRUST FUND BABIES. WE LOOK FOR MONEY
███░░░░░███████░░░░░███████░░░░░███ HIDDEN IN GIDEON BIBLES AT HOTELS, AND IF THERE'S NOTHING THERE, WE HIDE SOME.
███████████████████████████████████ WE ARE BETTER LOVED BY YOUR CAT THAN YOU ARE. WE INTEND TO GET THE 2 DOLLAR
███░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░███ BILL BACK INTO CIRCULATION. WE SMASH OLD TELEVISIONS AND GENDER NORMS FOR
███░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░███ DIFFERENT REASONS BUT WITH EQUAL APLOMB. WE ARE OUR OWN POPES AND/OR
███░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░███ PERSONAL SAVIORS. YOU MUST BE THIS TALL TO RIDE. WELCOME TO THE HELLSCAPE.
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███░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░███ FACK N CONTACK
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███░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░███ OKAY REALLY WHAT ARE YOU FUCKERS?
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███░░░░░███████░░░░░░░░████░░░░░███ WE'RE A COLLECTIVE OF FOLX THAT LIKE TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES AND DO ART AND WRITE
███░░▒░░███████░░▒░░▒░░████░░▒░░███ STUFF AND WHATEVER. RIGHT NOW WE'RE JUST THE QUEEREST TRANS-EST COUNTER-STRIKE
███░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░███ TEAM IN THE MM QUEUE BUT WE PLAN TO SPREAD OUR WINGS AND DO COOL SHIT EVENTUALLY
███░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░█░░▒░░▒░░██████ UNDER THE DWEEB KVLT BANNER.
███░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░█░░░░░░░░██████
███████████████████████████████████ CAN I BE A KVLTIST?
███░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░███
███░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░███ YEA MAYBE? WE DON'T HAVE LIKE MEMBERSHIP CARDS OR ANYTHING. WE CAN MAKE SOME AND
███░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░███ YOU CAN PRINT EM OUT TO SHOW HOW BADASS YOU ARE. STUFF LIKE THE STEAM GROUP IS
███████████████░░▒░░███████████████ PRIVATE AS OF NOW BECAUSE THE DIRECTION OF THE KVLT IS UNDETERMINED AS WE CHART A
████████████░░░░░░░░░░░████████████ COURSE THRU THE KRAPPY WATERS OF THE INTERNET.
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███░░░░░░░░░░░░░░█░░░░░░░░░░░░░░███ I WANNA TALK TO U.
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███░░░░░░░░░░░░░░████░░░░░░░░░░░███ PRECIATE IT BABY. EVERYTHING IS STILL IN ITS INFANCY WHILE WE BUILD OUR SIMULTANEOUSLY
███████████████████████████████████ HOLY, SATANIC, AND ERISIAN INTERNET PRESENCE. THERE'S A TWITTER AND A TUMBLR AND A GMAIL
████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░███ AND UH. A STEAM GROUP. IF YOU CANT FIND EM LOOK HARDER YOU FUCKIN DOPE. ALSO WE HAVE A PHONE
████████████░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░▒░░███ NUMBER SO IF YOU WANT TO BE INSULTED BY A HELL BARONESS ON THE HOTLINE ONCE WE FIND THE PHONE
█████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░███ WE CAN GIVE YOU THE NUMBER.
█████████░░▒░░█████████████████████
██████░░░░░░░░█████████████████████ WHY ALL CAPS?
██████░░▒░░████████████████████████
███░░░░░░░░████████████████████████ BECAUSE FEIGNED DETACHMENT IS ONLY COOL SOME OF THE TIME. THIS ALL-CAPITAL COLLECTIVE VOICE
███░░▒░░███████████████████████████ IS A COUNTERWEIGHT TO OUR LOW-KEY INDIVIDUAL IMAGES.
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██████░░░░░░░░█████████████████████ MORE SHIT TO COME THAT'S WHY I MADE THE PAGE THIS BIG!!! FUCK YOU
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